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Miscarriage– Struggling with Joy During Infertility

sotexanblog April 18, 2017

This post may contain affiliate links which means I may receive commissions for purchases made through links in this post. Check out my disclaimer and privacy policy if you're curious!

Miscarriage: Struggling with Joy Pregnancy LossWhile we were waiting to find out we were pregnant with Mason, there were a thousand and one reminders that I had had a miscarriage and wasn’t pregnant with Matthew’s best buddy. Not only that, but the fact that I lost baby after baby to miscarriage. Being able to turn off the world was next to impossible since I’d miss out on so much of my long-distance family and friends’ lives by not being on Facebook. But…

  • Facebook had become my worst nightmare of picture after picture of pregnancy tests, baby bumps, and newborns.
  • A friend announced her pregnancy on National Infertility and Infant Loss Day. The post was between two posts from other friends about their lost babies or prayers for those of us who have.
  • People made incredibly insensitive comments around me constantly, like laughing about the fact that someone thought I was pregnant and having another baby again. Not only did that person hear it, but they felt the need to come tell me.
  • Seeing someone in a group talking about how upset they were that they had been “trying for a few months unsuccessfully.” A few months is not trying unsuccessfully. Infertility is typically defined as over a year of trying every month or 3 consecutive losses. I’m sure trying for a couple of months is frustrating, but those of us who have tried for much longer, with several rounds of miscarriage, have a very hard time seeing posts like that.
  • Having a friend post that 2% of women have 2 consecutive miscarriages and 1% have 3 consecutive miscarriages. I’ve had 2 before Matthew and 3 after (and now another miscarriage after Mason). I could have lived my whole life without knowing that makes me in the .05% or something ridiculous. I’ve now had 6 total losses. My grandparents are playing in Heaven with 75% of my pregnancies– 2/3 of my babies.
  • Seeing an ad for a TV show that had a positive pregnancy test front and center.
  • Being told to “stop testing so early.” I wait until I’m a full week late every time (which, for the record, is the opposite of testing early), and even if I didn’t, that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve lost babies. Not knowing I was having a miscarriage– that I lost them– would be even worse.
  • Reading a section in Heaven is for Real about an incredible experience her son had with his sister. (If you haven’t read this book, you need to– it’ll make you cry happy tears and brought a lot of peace to my heart.)
If I’m being honest, I was so so tired of having to be happy for my friends when inside, I was crying. I just wanted to be able to be genuinely, completely happy for them when they get pregnant or have babies. I felt so selfish for being upset when I saw these amazing, joyous times in my friends’ lives, especially when we’d already been blessed with Matthew. I can’t help how I feel, though. After 2 losses before Matthew, 3 after, and not knowing how long, if ever, it will be until we get another baby, I was stuck. I was stuck in the unknown. I was stuck in the waiting. And I was stuck in the place between denial and acceptance.

I spent 20 minutes ugly crying in the car while Ryan drove around because after all of these things happened within the course of a week or two, I called the OB I wanted to see– and the only one I thought might be able to help us– in Austin, only to find out he couldn’t see me until November 24th (the day we were supposed to be moving to Oklahoma, almost 6 weeks after I made the call). It was the one last thing I needed.

By the time I was the age Matthew was, I had Bud. I had my future best friend, one of the girls I know I can come to with anything, who I know would do absolutely anything for me and my family. She’s the one who Matthew would go to if anything happened to us. We couldn’t ask for a better sister, aunt, or friend for the two of us. She gives amazing advice, the best hugs, and makes a mean lemon bar. I wanted that so unbelievably badly for Matthew. It broke my heart that he didn’t have that yet, and I was terrified that we’d wait too long, having miscarriage after miscarriage and trying for a baby when we could be working on an adoption.

It was my biggest struggle two and a half years ago, and to have the added layers of stress of getting out of the Air Force, moving, finding new jobs, new homes, new friends, new doctors, etc. starting to pile up, was just too much. None of this, however, meant that I didn’t want to hear my friends’ happy news. It tugged at my heart every time, but I wanted to be thrilled for them. I wouldn’t grow if I was never challenged, so please, continue to let me share your joy. I prayed constantly not only for a sibling for my sweet little boy (whether that be naturally or adoptive), but also for peace and the ability to look outside my own issues and difficulties and be happy for the joys in others’ lives.

Thankfully, he now has the sweetest little brother and hopefully more babies, whether that’s more biological siblings, foster, or adoptive. Either way, I pray for more to fill our house, and I pray for all my friends who are waiting, hoping, and praying for their first or second or fifteenth. It never gets easier to have a miscarriage or wait when you feel like your family isn’t complete, and knowing what path to take is unbelievably hard. Please know, friend, I’m here if you should ever need someone to talk to, yell at, or cry with.
If you’re struggling with secondary infertility and the comments that are made about wanting another, please read this post and know you’re not alone and you’re not wrong. Making my way through the emotions and not wanting to talk to anyone about them was tough, so I found my solace in a few books. Check out this post for my favorites.

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Filed Under: Faith, Infertility, Motherhood Tagged With: Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Loss, Rainbow Baby

« Air Force Pilot Training Advice for Wives (and Significant Others)
Secondary Infertility: “Be Thankful You Have One” »

Comments

  1. Steph says

    April 18, 2017 at 10:57 am

    Cait. I have no words. But thank you for writing this.

    Reply
  2. Missy says

    April 18, 2017 at 6:26 pm

    Bravo this post. So perfectly written and so much how it feels. Thank you for sharing it. <3

    Reply
  3. Marinda says

    January 22, 2019 at 3:44 pm

    I appreciate you being so honest and forthright about your experience. We ended up doing IVF to get pregnant for with our first child. It was a long, tough road. I now have the honor and blessing to help women in that “stuck phase”. When they’ve gone through infertility and loss and don’t know where to turn. I’d love to collaborate @marindaburtcoaching. Either way, I want to support and encourage other women who are striving to help this community. Marinda

    Reply
    • sotexanblog says

      February 5, 2019 at 9:54 pm

      I’m so sorry you had such a rough journey, too, but I love “meeting” other women who are loving on and encouraging those on the road behind us! I’d love to collaborate! Feel free to email me and we can chat 🙂

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Infertility Awareness Week- 3 Posts to Help Your Soul Heal - soTEXANblog says:
    September 5, 2017 at 3:18 am

    […] to be hurt or jealous, but it’s so hard to get outside of your own pain to be happy for them. Here’s my raw, unadulterated experience with just […]

    Reply

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